


dropped your hand while dancing

by borrowedthemoonlite



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Exes, F/M, Marriage Proposal, Rejection, Retrospective, Song: champagne problems (Taylor Swift), post breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:21:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29422980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedthemoonlite/pseuds/borrowedthemoonlite
Summary: one for the money, two for the show, i never was ready so i watched you goShe misses her train that night, has to take the later one.  And then she spots him.  Sitting diagonally across from her, four seats to the left, only an aisle between them.
Relationships: Beck Oliver/Jade West
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	dropped your hand while dancing

She misses her train that night, has to take the later one. It’s all her boss’s fault, keeping Jade later than she was meant to be there for. So she boards the 10:45 instead of the 10:15, more cold and tired than she’s ever felt in her life. A stale silence runs through the train, it takes a moment for her to get used to it as compared to the loud bustling on the street. She takes the only seat available, at the end of the row and next to the door, the pole digging into her ribs.

And then she spots him. Sitting diagonally across from her, four seats to the left, only an aisle between them. He didn’t look up when the doors opened, didn’t look up when the stream of new passengers entered. He hasn’t seen her yet.

He looks as tired as she feels, hunched over in a throwaway attempt to fall asleep. It won’t work though. He had never been able to sleep while moving, she remembers.

The doors shut with a silent  _ woosh  _ and the train lurches forward. Just as she suspected, as soon as the train begins moving, his eyes open in clear concession. Quickly, she tears her gaze away from him, she can’t have him knowing she was looking, now can she? She fixes her stare on the subway map stuck high up on the wall.

He’s seen her. She can tell, she felt his eyes land on her the moment it happened. They both know that she can tell, but when she finally works up the nerve to look at him, he’s already looked away.

She can’t blame him. If she were Beck, she wouldn’t want to look at her either. It would only make things worse, rub salt in a wound that’s so close to being healed.

It was nearing four years now, the winter holidays only serving as an irremovable ink blot on their calendars. A year since she changed the course of everything, swerving them off track.

It’s her fault. Or at least that’s what they like to say, isn’t it? If you asked him, he’d say it was on both of them, hell, he’d blame himself more than her. If you asked  _ her, _ she’d say it was out of everyone’s control. But if you asked everyone else, they’d say it was her fault.

And maybe it’s useless to listen to the outsiders, who aren’t them. But when one says they’re both to blame and the other, in direct contradiction, says neither of them were in the wrong, maybe a third opinion is necessary.

But what does it matter? Everyone will always point fingers at her. Except him. But no amount of explaining from him would come close to changing their minds. He’s tried.

She remembers it all. How could she ever forget?

He had set up the perfect night. He proposed in the way every girl dreamt of being proposed to, the love of their life down on one knee, telling them how life has felt complete since meeting them. She couldn’t have asked him for anything more. Couldn’t have asked to feel more loved. Couldn’t have asked for a better person to share a past adorned with dear memories with. Couldn’t have asked for a better person to share the rest of her future with.

Everything was on track for her to say yes. She should’ve said yes. She  _ wanted _ to say yes. More than anything in the world.

But she dropped the ball. It was probably far too late to be pulling the rug from under him, but that’s just how the story goes. She wasn’t ready. Hell, she’d probably  _ never _ be ready. No matter how desperately she wanted to be. No matter how much she loved him.

She thought she was. She really thought she was. Or at least she had hoped she would be. Over and over and over again, she had told herself that when the day came, when it eventually happened, she’d say yes without a second thought, without even a  _ moment _ of hesitation. That’s how she’d always hoped it would happen.

But she just wasn’t ready. Every part of her was telling her to say  _ yes already, god damn it, _ but the nagging force that took over held her back. It wrapped itself around her and yanked her back into the abyss.

She remembers the way that she felt helpless. That she couldn’t do anything but gasp in shaky breaths. The utterly dejected look in his eyes as it registered. She didn’t even have to say anything, he already knew her answer. It’s why he still blames himself, she thinks. He blames himself for not knowing, for not waiting. But how could he? How could he have known that the answer was yes until then? How could he have known that her decline had nothing to do with him and everything to do with being boxed in her own mind.

She never questioned their relationship, no, there was no doubt in her mind that there was nobody she’d rather spend the rest of her life with other than Beck Oliver. But that wasn’t the issue. To be honest, she still doesn’t completely know what it was. She just knows that something stopped her.

She couldn’t look at him after that. Not after she saw the light die in his eyes, like watching all of her best dreams get crushed by none other than herself. And she found herself with no excuses. Couldn’t give him a single reason. All she wanted was to scream at the top of her lungs that she loved him more than he could fathom, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t.

And of course he still stood by her. Of course he did. Because he’d always been patient with her, possibly to a fault. She wishes he hadn’t been. Maybe it would hurt less if he’d stormed out and ended everything right there. But of course, he didn’t. He was too willing to wait. Too willing to wait a lifetime for someone who would be frozen for an eternity.

She knew that he wouldn’t leave her. Not on his own volition anyway. He cared too much. So she had to do it herself. Or else she’d drive him into the ground. And she couldn’t stand to watch him crash and burn because of her.

So she ended things. Everyone knew he wouldn’t ever do it. He was always content with waiting, to a fault. So she did it for him. For both of them.

They took the train back to the apartment in silence. The moment she walked through the door, she knew the winds had changed. There was no changing, no getting back what they had. Conversation had never been a difficulty to them. But even they couldn’t talk themselves out of this one.

He moved into the guest room until he could find a new place, even though she told him not to. She insisted on being the one to move out, after all, it was her fault. But he wouldn’t budge.

So he moved out.

And he’ll never know. Never know the way she sobbed the night he left. That she closed the door behind him and immediately sunk to the ground, inaudible sobs escaping her throat until the tears followed suit. She couldn’t cry in front of him. She  _ wouldn’t. _ It had been over for almost a full month when it happened. But him leaving felt like the real nail in the coffin. The door shut and just like that it was  _ over. _ Everything was just  _ gone.  _ In the blink of an eye.

Looking at it now, it feels like no time and a lifetime have simultaneously passed. Everything they had shared is still fresh in her memory, but that doesn’t change the fact that the world moves on. Regardless of however Jade West might feel. But maybe ten years of something that beautiful can’t be erased in four. They needed to move on. They  _ did _ move on.

And of course there were others after. None ever lasting as long. 

He had others after her too. None lasting that long. There’s someone new now, last time she’s checked. Someone she’s never heard of before. And he seems happy with her. Good. He deserves happiness, deserves someone that feels like a breath of fresh air. And maybe she’s the one for him, who knows? Maybe her hand fits in his better than Jade’s ever could.

He doesn’t look back as he gets off at his station. Doesn’t even spare himself another glance at her. 

She gets it. They can’t hold on to each other, no matter what. Their wounds are healing, their ripped seams mending.

And just like that, they’re resigned to the other’s mere memories.


End file.
